Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Love That Elusive Emotion

When I was a young girl and read those romance books it woke in me a desire to be loved like that. To find that one special person to love you so deeply and passionately and that you could love in the same way. I know those are just books but couldn't such a love be possible? I have never found such a love as that.
I always wanted to know how do you know if you are really in love with someone. When I met my present husband I thought to myself that I love this man. He made me laugh and I just wanted to be with him all the time. I don't know if I really loved him or I just told myself I did.
It is like there is a part of my heart that hasn't been woke up yet. It is hard to describe. I care about my husband and if I did love him it has died.

My problem is this I had two sons from a previous marriage and my husband had two children from previous marriages. We have two daughters together.
I told him from the beginning that I wanted him to treat my sons just like he treated his children. In the course of time I realized he isn't going to treat my sons right. He would want to discipline them but without giving the love that counterbalances it.
I left him a year ago and got my own place because of the way he talked and treated my oldest son. My sons always thought I chose him over them but I also had two daughters to think about to.

My husband does not ever have anything good to say about my son it is always negative. It is called verbal abuse. Anyway I told him back then if he was going to make me choose between my son and him. He was going to lose.
The result was he apologized to my sons and told me he would try to do better and I talked to my sons and so I moved back with him. My sons were not living with us so things were good for awhile. My older son and his wife separated and he needed a place to stay and so he came to stay with us and it started all over again. If my son hadn't come back I probably wouldn't have known that he hadn't changed.

I can't live with someone who constantly treats my son that way. My younger son hasn't lived with us since he was ten and that is something else I can't forgive. He wanted to live with friends of mine that had a son my son's age and so I let him. He wasn't far but he was away from my husband. He is now eighteen and has a great job and making me a grandmother again. My older son is now taking classes to learn welding and he will have a job when he gets done with it.

If I ever did love my husband he has killed it. I think he senses something because he keeps trying to soften me up like buying flowers and taking me out to eat. My son and his girlfriend has rented a three bedroom house and they are going to move into it soon and when they do I am going with them. I am going to stay with them until I can get a place of my own.

Sometimes I feel like I am never going to find a love that I dream about. Maybe I am being unrealistic in wanting a love like that. Maybe love like that doesn't actually exist. I can't help but hope that there is. I know one thing though I would rather be alone than be with someone that gripes all the time and is negative about everything. I am a positive type of person who believes in the good of people until it is proven different.

I want someone who loves me for who I am and not try to make me be in his opinion what a woman should be like. This is all depressing but in a way it is kind of exhilerating in knowing I am going to be free. So on this note I am going say sayonara for now.
Let me know what you think if such a love like that is possible.

Ladyhawkcj

2 comments:

Dette said...

Girl - props out to you for putting your foot down. There is no reason why you, or your sons, should be subjected to such negativity.

Verbal abuse is the same as physical abuse. It's abuse. But kids will tell you that while scars and bruises will heal, the holes in their hearts will remain.

Congratulations on your freedom. And give it time... that butterfly will land when its not being chased...

*hugs*

Buffy said...

Enjoy your new found freedom. Sometimes we have to love and find ourselves before we can find that special love in others.

Good luck to you and your boys!